First Annual Booze Draft

OK, it’s time for the first annual “Booze Draft” as a precursor to the actual fantasy draft. The rules are simple:

You must select the drinks you would like to consume during the actual fantasy draft. The drinks fit into one of several categories (analogous to positions on your “real” fantasy team).

1 Brewed Drink ======= beer, malt liquor, etc.

1 Distilled Drink ====== Cocktail/Mixed drink

1 Shot ======= Straight shots only, 70 proof or higher

1 Utility ======= anything with booze in it

The draft order was set randomly, and is as follows:

Jack Parkman

Wicked Obnoxious

Phil McJunk

RA Dickey Dicks

Wilson1823

Everything is fair game, and a justification is required as to why you need this to get your booze on.

ROUND 1

Jack Parkman (1st overall):

Parkman has taken his time for the first overall selection. Wilson1823 suggests he is just making the fans in Cleveland puke with his little shimmy, but WickedObnoxious is less patient, and wants us to “autodraft him a nice Merlot.”

Alright, with the first overall pick in the 2008 Booze Draft, Jack Parkman selects the 5-Cat contributor, Jack & Coke. In the first rounds, you really want to focus on a versatile hooch. Here, you’re starting off with a high octane liquor, but also reaping the benefits of energizing levels of sugar and caffeine. A powerful combination that’s easy on the palette. Jack & Coke also helps keep you loose for when someone steals your favorite sleeper two picks before your turn. Finally, it brings a fun level of uncertainty to the table…there is a fine line between a nice Jack & Coke-induced buzz and an uncoordinated blackout ending in temporary coma. Even the most seasoned, savvy veteran has unexpectedly crossed this line once or twice. Coincidentally, these babies fueled me up for long nights of plowing through Cleveland’s finest, long before Grady’s Ladies were even a blip on the radar screen.

Wicked Obnoxious (2nd overall):

 

 With the #2 pick, Wicked Obnoxious breathes a sigh of relief and selects it’s old standby, Captain and Coke This tasty beverage, served in a 1999 McDonald’s Pedro Martinez 32oz collector’s edition cup and featuring 3-4 ”servings” of the famed spiced rum gets things started off quickly just as the ideal leadoff hitter should. By the time the heart of the order comes to the plate, the table has been perfectly set for a prolonged assault on the liver.

Phil McJunk (3rd Overall):

I‘ll open with a straight shot of jack. This is like picking Chase Utley - you know you can handle a couple other shots at the front of draft, but what if you get left with Mark DeRosa? You don’t want to be taking a tequila shot in the 4th round of a draft - it’s just unappealing when you still have 12 rounds of drafting to go and you just want to round yourself out with some beers. Solid performer as well, with versatility to go straight, over rocks, or inside coke when called upon. Truly a great 4 category performer in my liver, and it’ll even throw in a few stat lines from the 5th. Fuel for the perfect fantasy draft of ending Wicked Obnoxious’ dynasty.

Jack Parkman: “Unprecedented…although starting the evening with shots is a great strategy in regular binge drinking, some pundits, including myself, have to question the wisdom of leaving yourself exposed to subpar choices in other areas by starting off with the straight Jack shot. It’s almost like punting mixed drinks and just chasing intoxicating performance. Bold choice.”

Wilson1823: “”Shots of Jack all around” was going to be a great late-round pick for me. perfect way to cap off a night of pure shenanigans. I would love to have Shots of Jack on my team, but not at that pick. There is a tremendous amount of volatility with this pick, you really don’t know where things will go from here. I’m sad it won’t be on my team, but I wasn’t about to take a first-rounder for it.”

McJunk’s defense: “I have a solid mixed-drink sleeper. This is first round quality for high levels of belligerence, arrestability, and blacked out shenanigans.”

Jack Parkman: “It’s the first quarter of the big game and you want to toss up a Hail Mary. I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona, but it’s not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan, Count Chocula.”

Jack Parkman: “Things Matthew Berry HATES in the first round: shots of Jack

RA Dickey Dicks (4th Overall):

RA Dickey Dicks’s first round pick is the legendary, the perfection, and my personal best friend, the PBRtini. For those that don’t know, the PBRtini, is a Pabst Blue Ribbon with two martini olives on a toothpick. The olives really bring out the natural essence of the PBR flavor.

Wilson1823 (5th overall):

I’m sitting in an interesting position at the turn. While I prefer to be more of a steady drinker, I am forced to take both of my drinks right in a row. Therefore, I’m going to have to take a Jagerbomb with the pick at the turn. It provides the perfect combination of fucking you up without getting you down. It should sustain me through my 2nd pick, as well as the entirety of the 2nd and 3rd rounds. Then, when I am picking at the end of the 3rd round, I will have the taurine and all those other things kicking in, improving my mental capacity.

Round 1 Recap:

1. Jack Parkman - Jack and Coke

2. Wicked Obnoxious - 32oz Captain and Coke

3. Phil McJunk - Shot of Jack

4. RA Dickey Dicks - PBR-tini

5.Wilson1823 - Jagerbomb

ROUND 2

Wilson1823 (6th overall):

With the first pick of the 2nd round, I am going with an OE 40. Since I have a long time until the next pick, I will have the opportunity to savor this delicious concoction without being rushed. I’m taking the malt liquor off the board in the early 2nd round. This way I can relax and watch the draft unfold without having any real concerns.The combination of these two selections will have me well on my way towards drunkenness that is needed in the later rounds. These are two great positional picks. I get the last “energy drink on the board, and also pick up the beer with the most power. I now have a very solid core of energy and alcohol amount, two statistics that I will hope to build on with the later picks.

Jack Parkman: That’s a great use of picks at the turn, and it will also lead to your usual middle- to late-round drafting habits. It’s also Tony LaRussa’s preferred combo before a nice Sunday drive with the Mrs.

Wilson1823: This draft is making me thirsty.

RA Dickey Dicks(7th overall):

My second round pick will be the White Russian, AKA the Caucasian. This is a pure flavor combination pick here. After enjoying the tinny and salty delight that is the PBRtini, I’ll mellow my tastebuds and settle my stomach with an old classic. What the hell, maybe I’ll even do a J at the same time.

McJunk (8th overall):

I’ll be continuing on the whiskey run in the second round with a nice Seven and Seven. It’s an under-rated cocktail, maybe available in the later rounds, but why not go for it now; I want it before my round (2) pick of Jim Thome. As a refreshing mix of whiskey and lemon lime soda, it goes a long way toward drunkenness, but an even longer way toward quenching a parched throat. What better way to watch the round unfold before pick three than to kick back and sip a little seven and seven?

Wilson1823: Both of these picks were very good picks. You really don’t want to take too many risks this early in the draft, and you know exactly what you will be getting with each of these. Good picks all around.

Wicked Obnoxious (9th overall):

 

With my second selection, I will take Miller Lite. Not only is it the official beer of the More Taste League and have 1/2 the carbs of Bud Light, but it was endorsed by the great Bob Uecker back in the 80s. With this selection, I am adding more depth to my roster and providing myself with two consistent performers that will carry Wicked Obnoxious through the bulk of the draft.

Jack Parkman (10th overall):

Ending Round 2, I’m going to have my draft assistants put down their spreadsheets and help me out with the upside-down margarita chair, which will occupy my utility slot in the lineup. Given the important contributions of the Latin community to the game of baseball, we would be remiss in allowing tequila to fall through the cracks to the waiver wire.

Round 2 Recap:

6. Wilson1823 - OE40

7. RA Dickey Dicks - White Russian

8. Phil McJunk - Seven and Seven

9. Wicked Obnoxious - Miller Lite

10. Jack Parkman - Upside Down Margarita

ROUND 3:

Jack Parkman (11th Overall):

At the turn, it’s time for a nice gin shot. Not only do I love this particular spirit, but knocking down a stiff shot of the good stuff will take my mind off of the fact that said margarita made me forget that Casey Janssen is out for the season, which subsequently led to a wasted pick. Mmmmm, juniper.

Wicked Obnoxious (12th overall):

My Round 3 pick in honor of St Patrick’s Day and a massive Celtics victory tonight at San Antonio due in large part to Sam “Huge Balls” Cassell is a shot of Jameson Irish Whiskey. This choice will serve as my rock-solid closer…an alcohol that will slam the door shut on my draft with authority as I slog through the last couple of rounds hoping to find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Also, in the unlikely event of a disaster, I will be able to parlay this pick into an Irish Carbomb to erase all memories of the draft and render my Wednesday morning completely unmanagable and miserable.

Phil McJunk (13th overall):

With the lucky 13th pick, I’ll be taking bourbon on the rocks as my utility drink. My choice of bourbon this year will be Eagle Rare. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been following my all whiskey strategy that I believe will lead me to certain fantasy glory. I’ll cap the draft with a beer on the way back and be happy with the carbonated goodness. There is certainly nothing like straight kentucky bourbon whiskey to lead you to fantasy championships. Plus it’s American. Go America. Go Bourbon. Go Dynasty Killas.

RA Dickey Dicks (14th overall):

My 3rd round pick is a shot of Maker’s Mark. After a long night of “snatching” sleeper picks and theorizing questionable trades, I’ll treat myself to the good stuff. Not just because somebody left a half bottle at my apartment, but because it tastes good too – so I can have more than.

Wilson1823 (15th overall):

Shot of Wild Turkey

Round 3 Recap:

11. Jack Parkman - Shot of Gin

12. Wicked Obnoxious - Shot of Jameson

13. Phil McJunk - Bourbon on the Rocks

14. RA Dickey Dicks - Shot of Maker’s

15. Wilson1823 - Shot of Wild Turkey

ROUND 4:

Wilson 1823 (16th overall):

Bag of Fun (box of wine, without the box). These turn picks pretty much seals the deal for me in terms of winning categories such as arrestability, puke ratio, and likelihood of infidilety.

RA Dickey Dicks (17th Overall):

My fourth round pick, and utility player of the year, will be “My Angry Spouse”:From the Sparks website:

1 Can Sparks

1 Can Icehouse (PBR can substitute)

Mix with Wooden Spoon for flavor and texture

Serve Immediately – Viola!

Again, I am not only utilizing random pieces of booze collecting dust around my apartment, I will also be giving myself a nice caffeine kick in the ass for the final push in intense late rounds.

Phil McJunk (18th overall):

My final round pick will be the good old american hero, Bud Diesel. For full bodied refreshment and a strong continued drinking night, Bud Diesel is my beer of choice.

Jack Parkman: Well now that McJunk has taken something that I actually wanted, I’ll have to think of a final pick to fill out the beer category. I’m surprised he didn’t go C-Bass style with a Boilermaker to continue the unoriginal string of whiskey drinks. Sitting through this copyrights class should give me ample opportunity to focus on picking a quality brew, at an affordable price.

Wicked Obnoxious (19th Overall):

While I am tempted to choose Mad Dog as my final selection due to its tremendous upside potential, I will defer to my instinct and leave it behind the pane of glass marked Emergency Only and hope that, if necessary, I can pick it up off of the waiver wire if things begin to spiral out of control…My 4th selection, filling the utility spot, is the Kobe which I believe rounds out my squad very nicely and adds another deadly weapon to my arsenal: Mixed in it’s standard nalgene container, and of course on the rocks, the Kobe will be a deadly combination of Gordon’s gin mixed with cranberry juice, apple juice, orange juice, and pink lemonade; there may even be a splash of lemon-lime gatorade in order to refuel my electrolytes during the middle rounds…there is definitely risk involved in this pick, which has been scientifically proven time and time again by McJunk’s behavior after consumption, but risk-taking is what has made this man a back to back champion.

Jack Parkman (20th Overall):

It’s the last pick of the last round of the 2008 Booze Draft, and at this point in the night, I’m amped up, agitated, and otherwise quite drunk. I’ve got four classes tomorrow morning, it’s getting late, and I need to sleep. Clearly, I’m reaching for a 22oz. Steel Reserve, the Shawn Merriman of malt liquor. After downing this high gravity “lager” deliciousness, it’s Lights Out for this guy. Although my esteemed colleague, Wilson1823, may have run away with the arrestability, booting, and infidelity categories, I believe that saving this swill for the end of the night places me well ahead of the competition in terms of potential bed-wetting and/or having an eyebrow shaved off after passing out.

Round 4 Recap:

16. Wilson1823 – Bag of Fun

17. RA Dickey Dicks – My Angry Spouse

18. Phil McJunk – Bud Diesel (Budweiser)

19. Wicked Obnoxious - Kobe

20. Jack Parkman – Steel Reserve

Final Line-ups:

Jack Parkman: Jack & Coke, Upside-down Margarita, Shot of Gin, Steel Reserve

Wicked Obnoxious: Captain & Coke, Miller Lite, Shot of Jameson, Kobe

Phil McJunk: Shot of Jack, Seven & Seven, Bourbon on the Rocks, Bud Diesel

RA Dickey Dicks: PBR-tini, White Russian, Shot of Makers, My Angry Spouse

Wilson1823: Jagerbomb, Old English 40, Shot of Wild Turkey, Bag of Fun

That wraps up the 2008 Booze Draft. We’ll be enjoying these picks during the actual fantasy draft as the booze leads us to fantasy glory.